How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt
How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt: A breakup is a termination of a relationship, especially a romantic relationship. A romantic relationship is a rollercoaster of highs and lows.

Nobody enters a relationship with the intent of a breakup. However, when it comes, whether expected or unexpected, it a usually painful experience.

After a breakup, you stop functioning at your full capacity. You lose motivation and determination. A part of you dies with a breakup.

There are instances where people do nasty things because of a breakup. Some become passive-aggressive. Some alienate themselves from people. Some even commit suicide.

Women break up a relationship more than men do. They do not, however, break up from a relationship without reasons. If a woman breaks up a relationship, then the cause of the breakup is more of the man than of the woman.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt

4 Reasons why women break up with Men in a relationship

Women enter a relationship for varying needs. But the reason a woman breaks up with guys is when her emotional needs of the relationship are not met. Here are the 4 reasons why women break up with men in a relationship.


Jealous men turn women off. A jealous man is always suspicious and accuses his woman of infidelity. Imagine accusing a woman who is faithful and loyal to you for cheating. How would that make her feel?

Jealousy comes from lack of confidence. A man that doesn’t believe he is attractive enough to keep a woman will suspect every guy that comes around her. He becomes scared of losing her.

Also, he is suspicious of all her movements because he thinks she would leave him for another man. Soonest, his jealousy becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Build your confidence until you naturally attract women to you. Also, change your mindset from a scarcity mentality to abundance mentality.


An Approval-seeking guy cannot make up his mind about anything. He always seeks her opinion because he does not trust in his own decision.

Also, approval-seeking guys seek approval from women in a bid to please them. They do not want to do anything offensive, hence, they’ll ask her opinion for what she likes.

Approval seeking behaviour comes from a lack of confidence. Confident guys don’t seek approval from women. Confident men attract women with their ability to make decisions.

A woman trusts a man that can make his own decisions. It proves to her that if he finds himself in a difficult situation, he can rise above it.

As a male, you must build your confidence to the point where you trust your decision. Leadership is an important attribute every male must develop. Confident men are good leaders; people look up to them when things go bad.

Women love leaders. That’s why they attracted to the men that hold positions. They love the Head Boy in school, the Students’ Union President in the university, the CEO of companies. You do not need to be in a position of leadership before you exhibit leadership skills.


Being controlling is deep-rooted in the insecurity of lack of control in yourself. Controlling behaviours include: –

  • Criticizing women when they don’t do what you want.

  • Mandating her to call you, or chat you or giving her ultimatums.

  • Isolating her from her friends.

  • Policing her activities online and offline

Controlling behaviours masks your real insecurity. A man that tries to control a woman to call him and text him is a man that feels unloved and lonely. Hence, he tries to compensate with unrealistic expectations from his woman. He does it till she reaches a breaking point and can’t continue.

Stop controlling women.

The only behaviour you can control is yours. Why not focus on healings our insecurities and become less needy?

Come to think of it… Why would you want to force someone to do something to please you? Because of how it makes you feel right? Okay, design a robot that obeys your command and does all that you please.


Being clingy to women is a result of a lack of priorities in life. When the most important thing in your life is a relationship with a woman, you will do everything to protect it. Once your greatest achievement is a relationship, you start acting clingy.

Women want to be important to you, but don’t want to be the most important thing in your life. Love is sweet, but it doesn’t pay bills. Once you begin acting clingy, you’re sub communicating that you are a low-value man. She will dump you for someone who has a vision for his life and has his priorities right.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt

Focus on your mission.

Your mission must be your priority always. Media and society encourage you to sacrifice your time for women.

A woman will appreciate 1 hour you spend with her when you spend 23 hours working on your goals than when you spend 24 hours being with her.


2 reasons why breakup hurts so bad


Humans are social beings. We meet new people, form tribes, build friendships, build romantic relationships. Relationships give us satisfaction, meaning and fulfilment in life. If your ex was the most beautiful among the girlfriends of your group of friends, you’ll feel pride and joy.

Anytime you’re in a social gathering with her, you brandish her like a trophy. You’re very forward to introduce her to others.

After a breakup, you lose the part of you attached to the meaning a relationship gives you. If your relationship gave you pride and joy before, a breakup will fill you with shame and sadness. If your relationship gave you fulfilment, a breakup will leave you depressed.

To heal from the loss of meaning, be in the company of family and friends. They will fill the vacuum left behind by your ex and make you realise that you can do without your ex.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt

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The fear of rejection is deeply wired into us. From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, human formed tribes to enable survival. Rejection had serious consequences like death.

Rejection from a tribe means banishment. When left alone to survive, physical and psychological conditions change to adapt. You lose sleep because you must protect yourself since doesn’t protect you anymore.

You lose appetite because you don’t want to spend energy hunting. A failed hunt leads to physical exhaustion and death through starvation.

Rejection doesn’t mean death in recent times, but we still react to it like a death sentence. When you feel rejection from a breakup, find solace in friends and family.

This gives you the feeling of acceptance from a tribe. Your friends and family are always there for you when you need them.

5 Stages of Grief: How to Handle Breakups

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is a framework that helps us identify what we may be feeling and help us cope with loss.

The stages of grief do not happen in sequence and not everyone feels all five stages of grief. Grieving is unique to individuals but the knowledge better equips you to cope with grief.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt


Denial is the first of the 5 stages of grief. Grief is an overwhelming emotion, so, denial is the first response to grief. Denial helps you absorb the shocking news of breakup and process it gradually.

“She’s angry now. Tomorrow, she’ll say she didn’t mean it.”

Denial is good as it exposes to the shock you can handle at a time.

But as the reality of the breakup sets and you begin to ask yourself questions, you’ve begun the process of healing. You become stronger and all the feelings you are denying begin to surface.

Denial fades away when the reality of the breakup begins to set in. It leads to other stages of grief.


Anger is the second of the 5 stages of grief. It helps you anchor on reality against the spectrum of emotions you feel. You may start to blame everyone. You may even blame me for not writing this post on time.

Anger is a necessary stage in grieving. It is healthy to express your anger in whatever form it comes. Anger accelerates grieving, the more you express it, the quicker it dissipates.

“She will regret leaving me.”

Your level of anger is proportional to the love you had for her. Once the anger dissipates, you begin to think rationally about the breakup.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt


Bargaining is the third of the 5 stages of grief. Grieving makes you feel vulnerable and helpless. So, bargaining is wanting to change the outcome of the breakup. You start creating “what if” and “if only” statements.

“If only I had spent more time with her or been there when she needed me.” “I wish to wake up tomorrow and find out this breakup is a dream.”

Guilt is the companion of bargaining. You are so desperate to make things be the way they were before the breakup. So, you remain in the past trying to negotiate your way out of the hurt of the breakup.


Depression is the fourth of the 5 stages of grief. Once you leave the stage of bargaining where you find out you can’t change things. You gradually come to terms with the reality of the breakup. Depression is the emptiness you feel living in the reality that the relationship is over.

“I’m so unlucky with love. Love is a scam; I’ll be a priest.”

This is the lowest point and the common state of the 5 stages of grief. At this point, nothing will give you meaning. You don’t want to get out of bed. You may seclude yourself and try to live a private life. Sometimes, it feels like it will last forever.

Don’t see depression as a sign of weakness and try to suppress your emotions. If the relationship gave you meaning, then depression is natural.

However, do not be stuck at this point. If you cannot rise beyond the point of depression, seek the help of mental health expert. If you don’t rise beyond this point, you could even contemplate suicide.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt


Acceptance is the fifth of the 5 stages of grief. It doesn’t mean that all is well. Some breakups can completely change you and your perspective about life. Acceptance is accepting the reality of breakup as the permanent reality. It helps us see more good days ahead than bad days ahead.

“Breaking up was the best choice. I don’t think we were even compactible.”

It is a time of change and readjustment. At this stage, you may begin engaging with friends and doing hobbies. You understand that IT IS OVER, but you move on, grow and evolve into a new reality.

How to move on from breakups

Breakups give us a chance to start again. It’s not easy to move on from a breakup, but in the long run, it is worth it. Consider relationships as a house built with sand on a beach. You’re so proud of your building and would do everything to protect it from destruction. However, unfortunate events happen and the house you built comes down to ruin.

The ruins are blessings in disguise. When you get over the first ruin, you always build and bigger and more beautiful house the next time you try.

Likewise, in relationships, you build better relationships when you learn from previous relationships. Here are some activities to help you move on from a breakup: –


Our memories lie to us. It attaches to the good memories while neglecting the bad experiences. The reason people try to make up with their ex is to relive those good memories. But the bad experiences destroy the relationship (again).

Evaluate if the relationship was beneficial to you, or if you’re holding on to an illusion. Sometimes, a break up is the best solution but your emotions will make you overlook red flags to make up with your ex.

Keeping your emotions in check helps you learn from the mistakes you made in a relationship. This information forms the criterion for screening potential lovers. You can identify “red flags” from your experience and make better choices.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt

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Your friends and family are the cushions you fall on when a relationship pushes you over the cliff. It helps you to feel loved and accepted. You feel appreciated and your confidence in yourself begins to grow.

Family and friends give you the warmth and acceptance you lack. Hang out with friends as they’ll help you move on. Visit family as they’ll give, you’re always welcome in their presence.

Never sacrifice relationships with friends and family for a romantic relationship. Maintain relationship with family and friends despite your romantic relationship. Don’t abandon your family and friends because of your romantic relationship.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt


Breakups mirror flaws in ourselves and our personalities. It opens our mind’s eye to areas of our lives where we are deficient and where we need to grow.

Focus on your goals and mission. Focus your time and energy on achieving your goals and mission. It gives you a sense of meaning. Accomplishing your goals and mission increases your self-esteem and confidence.

Continue your journey of self-improvement. If you were jealous in your previous relationship, build your confidence and attractiveness. It prevents you from making the same mistakes in the new relationship.

Also, work on your physical appearance. Build your physique, groom yourself better. Improve you’re your style and dressing. Your optimised physical appearance helps you build confidence in yourself and your abilities.


You sacrificed some part of you along the journey of your relationship. Maybe you were a good footballer abandoned it to create more time for your relationship. It’s time to refocus yourself on doing other things that give you fulfilment in life.

Doing things that makes you happy will increase your confidence and satisfaction. It makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

Learn a new skill or hobby. If you wanted to be a guitarist, take lessons on how to play the guitar. This sense of mission fills you with fulfilment.


It is best to remain single for a while after a breakup. It is necessary to rediscover yourself and realign with your purpose in life. It’s normal for some people not to feel the urge of entering a new relationship immediately after a breakup.

Don’t enter a relationship to help you get over the breakup (a.k.a rebound relationship). Rebound relationship does not last. It’s a short-term solution which leaves you worse off in the long term. Enter a new relationship when you’re excited to do so. You’ll only feel excited about a new relationship when you’ve healed completely. Also, when you’ve healed completely, you won’t compare your new lover with your ex-lover.

How to handle breakups and move on without being hurt


Life is a series of losses [pathetic, but true]. We lose the things we love in life.

Think about something you had as a child, maybe your SEGA® computer game. You loved it and always played your game. But it’s lost. It’s gone. You may miss it so much. But, if you want to buy another game this time, will you still buy SEGA®? I doubt so!

Losses can be painful, but it gives us room for growth. Do not get attached to anything in this life. This is the warrior mentality. When you become too attached to things you suffer when we lose it.

Acceptance is key to moving on from a breakup. Until you accept that a relationship is over, you will still cling to it and won’t be able to move on. Acceptance helps you move on. It makes help you accept a breakup and give you the chance to build a new relationship.

Cheers to your healing and growth!

9jatalks Relationship Tips


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